To my beautiful baby girl,
Its one of those days, the days where you wont sleep anywhere but in my arms, but I don't even mind one bit.
Its one of those days where my heart fills with love. Where tears well in my eyes.
Its one of those days where I can not imagine life without you. I am happy.
We have only know each other a short time. I have only been able to hold you in my arms, to comfort you, to nourish you, to stroke your cheek for 3 months and 4 weeks. Yet I can not remember life before you were here.
It has been one year since your daddy and I sat in the doctor's office and heard those words, 'yes, you are definitely pregnant'. We did not then know the full implications of these words. We did not comprehend just how much our our lives would change. We did not realize that we could feel so much love.
From that day on, you made your presence known. When I first saw you at the 12 week scan, I remember a feeling come over me as I saw your tiny form and wept uncontrollably. I did not care if the tests came back to tell me if you were high risk. I knew from that moment that you were here, that you were coming, that you were mine, that you were perfect! I knew we were going to fight together because you were meant to be here, because we loved you already.
I remember the fear at 26 weeks when I saw the toilet bowl full with blood. I remember being in the hospital dreading I had done something wrong, that I might lose you. But you were none the wiser, sucking your miniature thumb on the ultrasound. Heartbeat steady. I always knew you were a fighter. The next three times were no less heart wrenching, but we made it and you arrived. Perfect.
No one told me quite how hard it would be. I knew I would not be sleeping as much. I knew I would be changing a thousand nappies. But I wasn't prepared. I don't think anyone ever is. In those first few weeks, we both learnt how to adjust. But it was hard.
Everything I did, everything I do, is for you. When I eat, I think about how what I eat nourishes you. When I sleep, I wake constantly to check that you are sleeping peacefully. My life is no longer about me, no longer just about me. Our life, daddy and mine, is no longer just about us as a couple.
I know that when you get hungry, I will be there to feed you. I know that when you are tired, I will be there to help you sleep. I know that when you feel scared, but I will be there to comfort you.
Nothing prepared me for the dirty nappies, the throw up, the sleepless nights, the constant worry. But when I wake up in the morning, I see your smiling face and I smile. I know that you are not worried about all those things that occupy an adult mind. I know that you feel safe, that you feel love. And my heart melts.
Thank you my little koala baby, for without you I would have never known a mothers love. I would have never seen how much your daddy loves you and how much more I could love him. I would never have seen how much more there was to the world.
I love you, my little koala baby.