I did everything in the right order in life. I worked hard at school and did well. So I went straight on to university where I studies two degrees with honours. Again, I did well. So unsuprisingly I got a job (not without more work). I worked hard so I thought it was time I studied more. So I did a Masters degree and worked hard. My life was planned, organised. I met my husband. We got married, bought a house and decided to have a baby. I was a perfectionist.
For those that read my blog regularly, you may be aware that my little koala is far from the easy baby (although what is an easy baby really?). She isn't great at sleeping, she's on the clingy side, she likes a lot of attention and she was on the move early. All that planning and organisation slowly disappeared. My baby clearly didn't want to have a bar of it. It didn't take long for me to feeling that I was failure.At 10 months, it isn't getting much easier. To be honest some times it feels harder than when she was a newborn. I'd like to say I'm slowing embracing the imperfection that is motherhood, but let's be honest. I'm not.
|That illusive motherhood dream. Image under creative commons.|
I have always been a sensitive soul. I'm easily hurt by the nasty ones of the world and take negativity to heart a little too much. So it probably isn't surprising that I've suffered hard under the weight of mummy judging and feel like a failure in the face of those mum's who seem to have it all together. The fear of failure, the anxiety that maybe I'm just not cut out for motherhood has gripped me at times. And I'm not going to lie, I turn to others to try to validate that what I'm feeling doesn't make me a bad mother.
I know a lot of mum bloggers are the strong and independent type. The 'I don't take crap from anyone' or 'I don't care what others think' type mothers. They are the type of mothers I admire and would love to be like. That isn't me though and I'm not going to pretend that it is. I'll tell it how it how, but how it is for me and mum's like me. I don't have my shit together. I feel out of my depth most days. I'm not styled by Lorna Jane or even are lucky enough to own any Lorna Jane. I don't go running in my bikini (check out The Thud's wrap up on that in case you missed it!), heck I don't even go running anymore.
I will admit it. I have a severe fear of imperfection. Unfortunately for me, motherhood is a great big series of imperfections.
But it's ok that I feel this way.
It's ok that I want to be the best mother.
It's ok that I worry I'm not perfect.
And its ok that you are afraid of imperfection too.
This isn't a post with a happy ending, you know what I mean... something like 'I've realised I don't care what everyone thinks about me' or 'I decided to let negatively slide off me'. I'm not going to talk about how to overcome the fear of imperfection, because quite frankly I dont know and I'm still afraid. I can't tell you I'm going to stop trying so hard. It's in my nature to work hard, to take care of everyone else and to worry about whether I'm doing the right thing. I like to please. Yes. We are often told we we shouldn't care what others think and we should be ourselves and so on. But what if its inherent in our nature to care about what other's think? Isn't this ok? I'm going to say its ok to want to be perfect. Yes, I shouldn't let it consume me, but I think sometimes it makes me improve myself. To be a better person and a better mother.
You are the exact mother your child wants and needs. They don't care that you don't own fancy clothes. They you aren't always running like clockwork.
They love you. Perfectionist and all.
My home truths
With Some Grace
Ultimate Rabbit Hole