Sunday, 13 September 2015
What to expect in the first year - Lessons from baby year one.
When I was pregnant, like every other pregnant woman, of course I bought 'What to Expect When you're Expecting' and then I bought 'What to Expect - The first Year', and to be honest these books did nothing to prepare me for what it was really like to have a child.
Here's all the little things I did learn in the first year! What you can really expect in the first year.
1. Expect to form some great friendships (even if they are based purely online) but expect to lose some real life ones. Apparently having a child is some sort of disease that requires complete isolation during the 18 year incubation period.
2. Expect to spend your Friday nights on Facebook laughing over a looooonnnnggggg Facebook spam chain you would have previous found annoying (think "post the first picture that comes up when you google your name plus 'glamour'").
3. Expect A LOT of POO! I mean seriously, the stuff that comes out of these children, its like sometimes more comes out that goes in... that said, expect it to actually not be as bad as you think. For some reason poo is more funny than gross when its your own kid.
4. Expect to do a tonne of washing, like so many you wonder if clothes are secretly reproducing in the wardrobe. They may be little, but you'll go through a tonne of clothes - think 3 outfits a day sometimes. Vanish is great for this - helps remove those delightful poo-explosion stains and smeared pumpkin.
5. Expect your social life to be a distant memory.. at least for the first 6 months.
6. Ditto for your sex life.
7. Expect to find yourself saying "don't put that in your mouth" and "yucky, don't touch" at least 100 times a day and pulling out the Dettol hand wash every two seconds.
8. Expect to be unexpectedly excited when you see the Dettol hand sanitiser on special in the supermarket... that stuff is like your new best friend.
9. Expect to be planning your bub's first birthday party when they are only 9 months old.
10. Expect it to suck a** when your bubby is sick :(
11. Expect rough sleep, and I'm not talking the first 6 weeks like the books say.. I'm talking the whole first year! Just when you think they are getting the hang of the whole 'sleep thing', they'll hit the 4 month sleep regression, of start cutting teeth or they get a cold.
12. Expect the books to be all wrong.
13. The same for the 'experts'.
14. Expect that line - 'it gets easier after the first 6 weeks' - to be total bull. It gets harder, the first 6 weeks were the easy part.... but it does get easier to manage.
15. Expect Target and Kmart to be your favourite shops. You may find 'Kmart Hacks' now appears in your favourites bar on Firefox.
16. Expect to never be able to sit through the entire episode of a TV show that starts at 7.30pm uninterrupted. Whether you're putting bub to bed or resettling them after they have woken yet again... 7.30 starts to seem like a stupid time to start a show.
17. Expect to be really f***ing tired a lot of the time.
18. Expect very little (if any) 'me-time'.
19. Expect to go to bed at 9pm for the first few months because your so bloody tired but then by 6 months expect to start staying up til 11pm even though you're really f***ing tired because its the only time you get to yourself.
20. Expect people to ask how your baby is before they ask how you are.
21. Expect to be told by everyone how tired you look all the time when all you really want to hear is how good you look, especially when you've actually showered that day, put makeup on and brushed your hair!
22. Expect that Post Natal Depression is a real thing and you can get it, not only straight after birth but it can rear its ugly head months later.
23. Expect not to feel glorious motherly love all the time for your child. Some times you wish they'd just go the f*** to sleep!
24. Don't expect to loose weight because you're breastfeeding.
25. Expect breastfeeding to be really hard to begin with. It doesn't feel normal and natural for everyone. It hurts. You will probably want to give up. But it does get easier, and then they get teeth and it gets hard again.
26. Expect it to hurt to sit down for weeks after you have your baby - C-section or natural they both come with their fare share of pain.
27. Expect that all those things you say you would never do when you have a baby - like let them watch TV - you'll do because sometimes you just need the calm.
28. Expect to catch yourself singing 'Row Row Row Your Boat' even when your child is sleeping... those songs are just so damn catchy!
29. Expect that people will tell you to keep breastfeeding when you feel like you can't keep going. But it is ok that you need to bottle feed.
30. Expect to be constantly putting toys back in their basket only to find them reappear across the floor minutes later.
31. Expect to go to a lot of first birthday parties.
32. Expect to have conversations that revolve entirely around your child and nothing else.
33. Expect your relationship to have some rocky times. They say the first year of marriage is hard, but the first year with a baby is harder!
34. Expect that nothing is what you expected.
35. Expect to feel completely guilty if you want to/have to go back to work, but equally as guilty if you want to stay home with bub. Its lose-lose for women.
36. Equally, expect to be criticised if you go back to work but told your lazy if you stay home.
37. Expect to be surprised every day. Whether its the first smile, a new skill that literally appears over night, or your ability to feel even more love for your tiny spawn.
38. Expect to love your child more than you though the human heart was even capable of!
39. Expect to be totally f***ing confused almost all the time!
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